The challenge of anger

Anger. What thoughts does this one word bring up for you? Be assured, it conjours many different thoughts and feelings for people that are as indivdual as the people themselves.

Anger is a signal or a message that we are either being hurt or that our needs aren't being met or that something is not going right. It may be a signal that we are giving more than we are comfortable with, or that we are not giving enough to ourselves. Im sure you can add to this list. Anger is something we feel and it exists for a reason. It deserves our attention.

The ways that we deal with our anger are just as important as allowing ourselves to feel the emotion. One way we tend to deal with anger is to avoid it. This begins a self-defeating mission of repression which left unaddressed causes illness (i.e. cancer) or irrational behaviour, or a volcanic eruption later down that track that can have devastating affects on others (abuse). Another way we tend to deal with anger is to vent it as it arises (becoming a bully or a nagging complainer). Both of these tactics are unhealthy and are abusive to others.

Problems begin when we are stuck in a particular pattern of ineffective fighting, complaining or blaming. Fighting and blaming only serve to block rather than facilitate change and anger is your signal that you want things to change.

So how do we express our anger in non-abusive ways? Begin by observing your normal style of managing anger. Do you turn anger into tears (manipulative tactic)? Do you become a silent blamer? Do you distance yourself emotionally? Do you go off like a bomb? Do you critize the other party? Don't label any of these ways as right or wrong. Remember anger isn't wrong. It is simply a signal. Get as much practise as you can observing how you react when you are angry. Make a plan to do something different with your anger next time. Something that is different from your usual pattern. For example, if you tend to blow your fuse and verbally (or physically) lash out, go for a run or brisk walk instead. If you normally stuff your anger down and smolder away, learn some assertiveness techniques and practise them bit by bit. If you tend to argue your point, tell yourself to stop. Don't wind yourself up trying to convince others of your 'rightness' - Don't participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere. Everyone is entitled to their own point of view. If you normally complain to everyone except the person you are angry with, change the tactic - tell the person you are angry with instead.

There are many ways to deal with anger. The most ineffective way is through abuse. It changes nothing and damages everyone involved (even if it doesn't seem so).

Anger is healthy. It is the negative ways in which we choose to handle it that is unhealthy.

Try this quiz.

Anger Management

Thanks Sara


The source of anger

"Anger is that powerful internal force that blows out the light of reason."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

How does anger typically surface in your life?

We usually get angry at someone, don’t we? We judge that someone has done something wrong and we want them to be punished.

In truth, the actions of others are never to blame. It’s our thinking - our blaming and judgment - that causes the anger. And we blame and judge because we have a need that has not been met.

In his book 'Nonviolent Communication,' Marshall B. Rosenberg advises that rather than blame others, we are better served by directing our energy towards meeting our own needs.

He offers a simple tool for change. Instead of saying, ‘I am angry because they ...’ we can say, ‘I am angry because I am needing ....’

"At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled."

-- Marshall B. Rosenberg

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."

-- Marcus Aurelius

Absolutely Solane. One of the main justifications we make for being angry is to point the finger and blame the other. When we are able to bring it back to ourselves and label the need that we feel we are missing out on, we are more empowered to firstly let go of the anger and secondly find another way to have the need met.

It takes a LOT to anger me, so if you do, look out! LOL