What I knew of myself is no more

I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I was so sure of myself who I was. I was the "good girl" Miss Goody Two Shoes. Since January my life has literally been turned upside down so many times I don't know which way is up anymore. I decided after my divorce (in Sept) I was going to life for myself, my dreams. I had spent my entire life up to this point catering to others and leaving my own wants and needs gathering dust. I started doing online classes and frequenting social networking sites because I decided I wanted to see what it was like to live the single life. I flirted and had fun and just enjoyed finally being me, with all of the hilarity and fun I had been taught was not appropriate for a female in polite company. I will be honest I love to flirt and can be as sexually suggestive as any guy when I joke around. (I learned it from hanging with my cousins) On one of these sites I met this guy. We had a good time laughing and joking and got along famously. It was like we had known each other our whole lives or shared a brain or something. It was quite cool. He decided that I needed to have my horizons expanded so he bought me a ticket to see New York. He and I hung out for several days and he treated me like a queen. We realized pretty quickly that we were great friends and that was all. That trip set the stage for all that was to come. My friend helped me to realize that my sexuality/sexiness was something to embrace and not hide from. He encouraged me to explore myself, what made me happy, what my fantasies were, safely. I came away from that trip with a confidence I had lacked up to that point.

When I came home I began dating a couple different people, making sure that they were aware that I was not into exclusive relationships. I was dating as dating had been intended to learn about others and myself. I had done the exclusive thing enough times to know what I was like in a relationship. What I didn't know was what the single life was like. So I lived it up. One guy I dated several times and he was cool, but something was always off. Well I realized that it was he wanted the fantasy and not me. Fantasies are cool, but at some point there needs to be reality. He was always concocting some story for us to act out. I played along sometimes when I was bored, but for the most part I kept him at a distance. One day he came by to pick up some stuff I was giving away and brought a friend with him. I didn't think anything of it. Then he invited me to come check out his new digs and help him arrange the stuff I'd given him. Still clueless. I got there and everything is situated. The light starts to flicker. His "friend" is there. The flickering strengthens, but is still a bit dim. He offers me a beer. I refuse. I know somethings up, but I'm not sure what and I don't want to be off my game. So we all sit on the couch. The guy I was dating Jerimiah sat on one end and Jimmy sat on the other end with me in the middle. As I sat there I got a real good look at the guy who I hadn't really paid much attention to up til now. I decided he was better looking than Jerimiah. I tried not to let Jerimiah see me checking out Jimmy and Jimmy was doing the same. So Jerimiah says do you want to play a game. I'm thinking poker or spades or uno. Then he says "Truth or Dare" The light blazes bright. It was code for a fantasy. My one and only fantasy. Well it ended up backfiring in a big way on many fronts. I looked into Jimmy's eyes and he reached into my soul we connected so deeply. Jimmy and I ended up not doing anything more than kiss that day (I think I am sensing a theme here). The next day though. Well anyway. Jimmy and I became exclusive. The first month was great. The second month things started slipping. The third month was a nightmare. Jimmy was so cold and even broke up with me while I was out of town. We got back together when I got back, but it was never the same. At the end of that third month I met another man. He was very good looking and seemed truly interested in me as a person, not just my body (I have a sick sense when it comes to that). I was attracted to him and was dying for the attention since I wasn't getting it at "home". I told him I had a boyfriend, but that I could always use a good friend. He gave me his address so I could write to him when I got to Virginia. I didn't have an address yet so I gave him my cell number. We talked a few times by phone and I was really feeling this guy. So I tried to talk to Jimmy about how I was feeling. I brought up the subject several times, only to have my head bit off or given the cold shoulder. So when Lee asked to see me one day I went. In hind-sight there were a lot of things I should have done and should not have done, but it happened. I was caught. Jimmy saw me with Lee just as Lee kissed me goodbye. He's an amazing kisser so I kissed him back. That was the end of Jimmy and I and the beginning of Lee and I. That was until last night. After having a near death experience Jimmy realized what he had given up and his part in it. He came by to "talk" and we ended up doing more than talk. I hate myself. The good girl I was would have never cheated and not twice in a two month period. I am so confused now about who I am and what I want. I don't know if I should tell Lee about what happened or just break it off with him. Because I know for a fact that he will end it anyway if I tell him. I know that a relationship with Jimmy is not going to work especially with me being so far away. I am moving to Virginia at the end of the month and both he and Lee are staying here. I thought Lee and I had a chance, but that chance is gone now because I couldn't look in Jimmy's eyes and not melt. He still has the power to reach into my soul with one look. The one thing that kills me is that I had a connection with Lee, too. I felt safe and protected and loved and I screwed it up. I don't know I guess I just needed to vent. I was hoping by writing this out things would start to make sense, but nope. I am still as confused about it all as ever. I wish life would quit pitching curve balls at my head.

Ouch! First things first, beating up on yourself isn't going to help ~ what is done is done my dear. The guilt and remorse will only hold you back from seeing the bigger picture here. One thing that seems obvious is that you really aren't ready for that exclusive relationship and that maybe before you are, you might need to do a little more self-exploration and getting in touch with what you do want to include in the new life you are building. Remove the judgments and simply be sweety. There is nothing wrong with playing the field to find out what does and doesn't appeal to you. You were honest about it in the beginning - you made it clear that you weren't interested in attachments - that was a good healthy boundary. Perhaps it would be useful to look at what you were really attracted to in the two guys you are hovering between now - the qualities rather than them personally. This might give you some insight into what led you to cheat - both obviously have something you like.

You said that you are used to being a goody two shoes...sounds like now you are acting out to rebel against that label. Have you ever explored where your idea of 'having' to be a good girl came from? Often we carrying these labels from childhood and even long after we outgrow them we still seem to fall back on them. Could it be on some deeper level you are in conflict with the values you now hold as an adult and those taught to you by your parents? I mean, today's standards are very different to that of adults 30 years ago. It makes sense that we would challenge what we were taught during our upbringing because it is no longer relevant and may even be preventing us from being happy. Put this together with just coming out of a divorce and I can see how you might be looking for excitement and even relief from the stress of your past life.

These are just a few of my random thoughts. The best advice I can give is to be kind to yourself and work from self-love. Listen to your heart and your mind as you review your experiences. Then consider what you want, and more importantly what you need in your life.

Great advice kat! Yes rylyn, you just came out of a divorce and are not ready to date one man exclusively. Just let the men you are dating know that you care, but it is only normal that you would fear a deep commitment at this time. Take your time and find out exactly what you want and need from a relationship. If someone truly loves you, they will understand and be willing to wait.